03.26.09
Thought Into Form – 3 ways to purchase
Thought Into Form is available for sale: Three options to purchase
Quality Paperback on Amazon.com $18.95
Via Kindle on Amazon.com $9.59 (20% Discount)
03.16.09
The Promised Land
The Promised Land (c) 2002 Mark Siet
One day I met a traveler it was late afternoon
He asked directions on the road of life
I told him it was just around the bend it was easy to get there,
he asked should he turn to the left or turn to the right
I told him not to listen to the salesman on the left
No matter what he tries to tell you
Even if he says its much shorter that way
You’ll end up traveling for a lifetime come back here again one day.
So listen carefully now to what I say
There’s gonna be some folks who’ll need your help along the way
Make sure you do everything in their power to help you get going
You’re not far from knowing the road is straight ahead singing,
Take my hand I will take you there
To the Promised Land
We will share all our good times together
No more cloudy weather I can hear the garden calling
Love thy neighbor as thyself
Always keep this in mind
I used to be just like you but I came back one more time
to help you find your way find your way singing
Take my hand I will take you there
To the Promised Land
We will share all our good times together
No more cloudy weather I can hear the garden calling
The more that we can give of ourselves
The more the light will appear
Always be kind yes the time is near
There’s just one more thing let go of your fear
Take my hand I will take you there
To the Promised Land
We will share all our good times together
No more cloudy weather I can hear the garden calling
03.15.09
Songs Extravaganza My Music
Sixty seven songs going back to 1982
Complete Tarot Series
One Shining Star Purchase(available on Itunes-play samples below)
Deeper Meaning Purchase (available on Itunes-play samples below)
03.13.09
Call It April (Well almost)
With a sigh I begin to tell you everything
What my heart speaks in the silence of the early morn when love begins to bloom
This is something new something rare indeed Call it April if you will. Paint the lights upon the way for every flower that sings in the melody of spring for every uplifted heart reminds me so well.
03.08.09
What to do with the banks?
The question is constantly posed. What are we going to do with the banks? Let’s start out getting beneath the surface of this problem and shining the light of truth upon it. Okay first of all why are there banks in the first place? The quick answer is that banks help to finance the economy providing money in the short and long term for folks who are building a business or a life. Then we pay back the banks with interest which is how they make their money. Then there is the other reason for banks and that is so that we can place our money there for safekeeping instead of hiding it under the mattress which by now everyone has figured out that this is the first place a thief is going to look for it. For us placing our money in a bank used to mean making interest on that money in a sense we were partnering with the banks to make money. The bank loves to make money from our money. They lend it out and make their own investments and so the economy rolls on. What happened to this paradigm? Why isn’t it working anymore?
First of all the banks and their officers decided at some point that they were no longer investing our money but instead that it was their money to do with as they pleased. Because of this they thought they could gamble get around the rules and make new ones all for the sole purpose of enriching not their investors but their own pockets. This is why these bank officers and CEO’s of the large investment corporations take such huge bonuses. They think that here is all this money that waiting to be gobbled up and why not dip in for a little bit of that cash? After all there is so much of it no one will notice in the long run. Their boards of directors then vote to approve these bonuses knowing full well that they are next in line for the cash grab since after all the guy at the top got his so why not take ours and so on down the line. All the while this is going in the cash reserves are dwindling so that money for the actual operations of the bank and investment companies starts to run out meaning that everyone who wasn’t in on the cash out was left out of luck.
Now seeing the money running dry these same CEO’s and boards of directors, investment managers, et.al. say uh oh we’re in trouble and then they come to the government saying we can’t operate our business anymore see no money and if we have no money then there won’t be any money to lend of invest so too bad the economy goes in the tank. Give us more money they say otherwise doom. The people who they can’t pay they just fire because let’s face it we’ve all been there; that is the corporate way.
What do we do about the consciousness of entitlement that makes these corporate bankers, managers, investment board of directors think that they are entitled to our money? We prosecute them, take their money, and make an example of as many as we can find to put away for as long as we can. Isn’t that what we do with someone who embezzles money from their company, or steals from those same banks, or even robs a grocery store. The same principle has to apply and it has to apply directly now.
Those who are fighting to keep the “capitalist game” going are fighting for this entitlement for those that are able to steal the money. These bankers and investment people are crooks just as low and mean as someone who would rob a little old lady of her purse because you know what there are several little old ladies out their who lost their purse, their homes and their life savings.
No mercy for these bankers no way no how.
03.06.09
A Thousand Million Years
It is early evening and they have finished clearing the table and cleaning up after dinner. They move outside and sit in their accustomed places next to each other on the couch watching the hills aglow with the coming sunset in the distance the ocean shimmering with sapphire green beauty. The light at the end of the day was soft and gentle casting rims of sparkling brilliance on the edges of everything a border to the sunset a frame to the evening yet to come. As the sun draws nearer the horizon they hold hands unspoken love on a holiday passes between them. Quickly the sun sets bursting now oranges, yellows, reds soon turning into magentas, purples and finally indigo before the first star appears. Soon more follow and the night is full upon them. The weather is mild. It is always so although now a cool breeze blows as he runs in to get her sweater and a light coat for himself. They linger for a while and turn to go inside when a star appears golden yellow pulsing where nothing had been before. It is the birth of a star something they’ve seen countless times before only this time something is different and then he remembers.
“That’s it,” He tells her.
“It? You were expecting this?”
“Don’t you remember? I told you I would love you for a thousand million years and you asked me how would I know when a thousand million years would be up” He said.
“Yes,” She answered, “You said a golden star would appear where none did before. How about that after all this time? Seems like only yesterday,” She said and they both laughed. “What happens now?” She asks.
“Good question you know I really never had time to …,” He starts to say and then both are laughing again.
“I guess it doesn’t matter,” She says.
“No it never really did,” He tells her holding her hand as they walk inside for the night. In the distance a song is playing as it always does when they go back inside.
I can see through you
You can see through me
One by one the stars they do appear
And you and I grow close so near
There are many ways of love
Coming from heaven above
In a fairy fountain meadow filled with miles and miles of clay
We’ll spend all day, for a thousand million years.
03.05.09
72 Names of G-d
Enjoy this song based upon a three week meditation on the 72 Names of G-d taken from Exodus 14:19-21 using the Atbash Cypher to generate the three letter combinations. Pay attention to the bird chorus who joined me one day in May for a rich and inviting experience.
B”H
03.03.09
NEWMAN’S REVENGE
ACT ONE
INT. OUTSIDE NEWMAN’S APT
INT. NEWMAN’S APT
Sounds and crashes and whee ooo noises electronic blinking lights and then the maniacal laughter of Newman.
NEWMAN: Ha Ha. Finally my dreams will be realized. I will have my revenge. This device here will give me control over the minds of any and all who enter here. I’ll invite all of them over and then simply flick this toe switch while they think I’m sleeping and then they’re mine to do with as I wish. Torture, mayhem, oh what fun. (laughter echoes in the distance)
INT. SEINFELD’S APT
Elaine, George and Kramer are all there and each is holding an invitation from Newman.
ELAINE: So what do you think of this. Newman has come into some money and wants to give us each a thousand dollars.
GEORGE: Sounds fishy to me. You never know with that guy.
KRAMER: I say we should go and get the money. Let’s do it.
Kramer turns to leaves slips and catches himself on the couch and then falls down again. All three look quickly his way and then back again as Kramer becomes instantly upright.
SEINFELD: How does he do that. Listen if know Newman he is cooking up something. Did anyone one else get a crisp new hundred dollar bill?
Jerry holds up the bill. The others pull out their hundred dollar bill and compare it holding it up to the light looking at the back and front.
GEORGE: Does anyone know what counterfeit money looks like?
SEINFELD: Haven’t a clue. What’s the deal with this money anyway? We should just go spend it and not go there at all.
ELAINE: Oh come on Jerry we’ll humor him. Act like we’re his friends maybe there will be something extra after all. We can
leave at the first sign of trouble or if we get bored.
SEINFELD: I think I’m starting to get bored already. Have we been over there already?
GEORGE: What could he do anyway? He’s a postman.
They all look at each other as a horrifying thought occurs to each simultaneously.
ALL: Postal!
SEINFELD: Nah. It couldn’t be. It would take too much imagination.
KRAMER: Well what are we waiting for.
GEORGE: All right all right. Has anyone seen my gloves?
ELAINE: It’s Summer George what’s with the gloves.
GEORGE: I think I left them here and wanted to find them before it gets cold again.
ELAINE: Whatever.
They all exit together
INT. NEWMAN’S APT NYC NIGHT
Newman is testing his device attaching a button to his toe. He carefully opens his door a crack and then goes and lies down covering himself with a blanket. Seinfeld and company appear at the door.
EXT. HALLWAY NEWMAN’S APT NYC NIGHT
KRAMER: Who’s gonna knock. You know it is customary to knock.
GEORGE: All right Mr Polite I’ll knock.
SEINFELD: Wait. Don’t! Look the door is open.
KRAMER: Something terrible must have happened.
They look at each other, Kramer, Seinfeld and George back away from the door. Elaine looks back at them and shakes her head and then opens the door and peeks inside.
ELAINE: Shhh… He’s sleeping. (whispering)
SEINFELD: Sleeping? He invites us over to watch him sleep?
INT. NEWMANS APT NYC NIGHT
They all walk in careful not to make any noise Kramer shuts the door. Newman is sleeping peacefully or so it seems. Kramer walks over to run some water and then pours it in a glass and walks over to Newman.
ELAINE: What are you doing?
KRAMER: You know you take his pinky and put it in warm water and then he, (Kramer holds his face as he laughs) you know he…wet’s himself.
ELAINE: You are so demented.
SEINFELD: I don’t think we need a demonstration Kramer we’ll take your word for it.
KRAMER: Okay but you don’t know what you’re missing.(Giggling)
ELAINE: You know sleeping like that he looks kind of you know…
GEORGE: Just stop please I’m leaving.
ELAINE: I was just saying maybe there is another side to Newman.
Newman opens one eye slightly smiling and clicks his toe. The room wavers slightly.
SEINFELD: What was that?
GEORGE: I don’t know but really can we go now?
Suddenly Newman wakes up.
NEWMAN: Hey Elaine would you like to join me. (evil laugh)
ELAINE: Newman you are unbeliveable. What the heck are we doing here?
NEWMAN: Yes you would ask that. Oh nothing. I thought I could buy your friendship for a few moments but never mind now you can all go. Come on out the door. I’m through with you. Yes, yes thanks for coming. You can keep the money too, ha, ha.
Newman pushes all of them out the door and Elaine George and Seinfeld try and leave at once and find themselves temporarily stuck in the door. Kramer falls into to them breaking the logjam. The Kramer tries to come back in and Newman pushes him out as well.
EXT. HALLWAY NEWMAN’S APT
GEORGE: Can anybody tell me what that was all about?
SEINFELD: (Raising an eye brow) I don’t know but knowing Newman it can’t be good. (Sinister Music)
INT. SEINFELD’S APT NYC NEXT DAY
George is buzzing to come in.
SEINFELD: What do you want? Always bothering me. All right come on up see if I care.
George storms into the room.
GEORGE: All these years you never told me about this spot on my forehead. All these years people have been pointing and you never warned me. Some friend you are. Well you know what I don’t like you. Yeah that’s what I came to tell you.
SEINFELD: Oh yeah well I’m glad you came because I think you are a…
GEORGE: What’s happening to us? I’ve been feeling strange all morning
SEINFELD: Newman!
GEORGE: Newman! He did something to us. I’m telling you he is playing mind games here and I am going to get to the bottom of it.
Kramer walks in and attacks Seinfeld and George and all three are fighting when Elaine walks in.
ELAINE: Guys stop fighting please. I think I’m in love.
A tangle of bodies ceases their struggles breathless as they listen.
ELAINE: That’s right. Newman called me up and I am going out with him.
SEINFELD: No Elaine you can’t. Newman did something to all of us. We’re not like this. He must have done something to you too. You don’t like Newman remember?
ELAINE: Newman! But I can’t help myself I am obsessed with him, I want to…
They all hold their ears.
SEINFELD: No don’t say it or think it. We have to stick together.
A knock on the door. It’s Newman.
NEWMAN: Everyone feeling okay, ha ha.
GEORGE: What did you do to us. Make it stop.
NEWMAN: Never you are my puppets to do with as I like.
KRAMER: Please Newman I never liked any of them. It was always you.
NEWMAN: No fickle person I see through you. Now all of you walk over to the window and lean out and then jump…
SEINFELD: No, no…
They all walk as if they are Newman’s puppets.
NEWMAN: Not you Elaine you will be my plaything.
Elaine stops as Seinfeld, George and Kramer are now leaning over the window. A chorus of no’s screams and really horrible sounds come from them.
INT: NEWMAN’S APT NYC NIGHT
NEWMAN: (sleeping) No, No, No.
SEINFELD: Newman wake up we’ve come to take you out for your birthday.
NEWMAN: Huh. Birthday? Oh yes of course.
GEORGE: That must have been some dream. We could hear you out in the hall. Good thing you left your door open.
NEWMAN: Yes wasn’t it.
KRAMER: We’ll miss the show come on let’s go.
ELAINE: Hey Newman what’s all this junk in the other room? Are you becoming a nerd?
NEWMAN: Oh nothing. Nothing at all
They exit the door shuts the last shot of the mysterious equipment humming and crackling.
ACT TWO — NEWMAN’S REVENGE
INT: NYC – SEINFELD’S CAR EVENING
Seinfeld is driving, George is in the shotgun seat, Elaine is sitting behind George, Kramer crunched and hunched in the middle and Newman with a vicious grin is behind Seinfeld.
SEINFELD
So we are finally going out to dinner the five of us. It’s quite an occasion don’t you think?
GEORGE
I don’t know why we couldn’t go to the Italian Restaurant. We need more Jewish food like a hole in the head. I’m already burping.
SEINFELD
Now George this is for Newman. It’s his favorite restaurant, The Knish and Knack. It’s only one night. I’ve brought plenty of antacid. We can pop the pills before we eat. Now I haven’t had a good cuggle since Rosh Hashanah. I can still taste.
KRAMER
It’s all good we’re going to eat like kings tonight.
Kramer leans forward bumps his head moves around and hits both Newman and Elaine with his elbows.
ELAINE
Hey watch it you’re going to knock us out.
NEWMAN
Kramer just try and relax. I would have sat in the middle to be next to…
SEINFELD
Kids stop fighting now we’re almost there.
NEWMAN (LOOKS OFF IN THE DISTANCE)
Yes we are aren’t we?
A dream sequence just like the opening scenes of Newman ordering everyone around taking guilty pleasure in his conquests.
GEORGE
Finally. We’re here
KRAMER
I have to get out of here.
Kramer moves and turns and Elaine and Newman get their door open just in time but Kramer swims out of the car almost getting the door shut on him by George as he leaves the car.
SEINFELD (TO ELAINE)
This should be good. Nice car swimming Kramer.
ELAINE
Yeah I’ve never seen a better breaststroke. Oops did I just say that?
GEORGE
Come on let’s go I can already taste the Pastrami. The things I do…
INT –NYC – RESTAURANT – KNISH AND KNACK – EVENING
WAITRESS
Oh my it’s Jerry Seinfeld. Oh you don’t remember me and now I am waiting on you. How about that coincidence?
SEINFELD
Hi Gloria. You know the gang. I’ll have my usual. This is George, Kramer, Elaine and Newman. It’s Newman’s birthday we called ahead for some bobka for dessert.
WAITRESS
Yes it is waiting for you. So what’s new?
The waitress Gloria sits down squeezing in the booth.
WAITRESS
Just like old times Jerry me and you almost like a date. I am glad you came tonight. Oh boy what’s a girl to do?
GEORGE
For starters could we have our menus?
Gloria gives him a dirty look and gets up and gets the menus and stomps away.
SEINFELD
You had to get her mad? She is bringing us food. There is nothing I hate more than mad food. No matter how it looks you’ll never know if it’s been tampered with.
NEWMAN
Stranger things have been known to happen, heh, heh.
ELAINE
So what’s the deal with your girlfriend here? She seems pretty chummy.
KRAMER
Oh I like chummy.
At that moment Kramer who is the only one in a chair at the end of the booth has his chair knocked by a passerby who gives him a dirty look as he struggles to stay upright. No one pays any attention to him
SEINFELD
Well it was kind of personal and happened so long ago…
KRAMER
You can’t just leave us hanging. Come give it up.
SEINFELD
They told me Gloria was one of those girls who put out so I started paying attention to her. She isn’t half bad either that helps. I didn’t know about her idiosyncrasies.
GEORGE
Idiosyncrasies. You don’t hear that word very often.
ELAINE
Continue
NEWMAN (LOOKING FAR OFF AGAIN)
Yes do.
We see Newman in a fantasy scene picking up the fork and moving to strike a blow to Seinfeld’s hand as he is gesturing telling his story.
SEINFELD
This is going to be strange I warn you. I finally walked her home from school one day. She stopped by a tree and motioned for me to come over. I thought here it is. I moved over with my best swagger and then she starts kissing the tree and rubbing against it all the while eyeing me. Then abruptly she stops and we move on. I mean what do you say to someone after that? What’s up with the tree thing? I thought maybe this was a fluke.
GEORGE
A fluke. You are calling this a fluke. Oh this is classic. I love it.
ELAINE
You would. So what happened?
SEINFELD
There were a lot of trees on the way home. I couldn’t believe how many. It was dark before I arrived at her door. I thought okay this is weird but maybe she’ll invite me in and I’ll get lucky. I could endure the trees if it paid off.
NEWMAN
So what happened then?
SEINFELD
We’re at the door and she smiles and is about to go inside when I ask if she wanted company. Oh no she says this was so exciting today we’ll have to pick up where we left off tomorrow. You see when she said tomorrow I felt like I had been used. I felt cheap. Imagine me witnessing those unspeakable acts of erotic tree hugging. I felt so unclean.
KRAMER
As you should. The next day you walked home with her.
SEINFELD
No we took the bus and when we got off she asked if I wanted to walk in the woods with her. Now normally that would have been an invitation but how could I compete against all those trees?
GEORGE
I see your point. Still you know maybe the whole tree thing was just an act to turn you on. You may have missed out.
SEINFELD
Perhaps but in this case discretion was the better part of valor. As a footnote to this she married a park ranger a few years back. He disappeared last year while they were on vacation in the Smoky Mountains.
ELAINE
It makes sense. He was the only man for her until she found another tree.
KRAMER
Ah love it just sings.
Gloria comes back and takes their orders and Kramer puts his hands over his head and moves back and forth. Gloria looks strangely at him and then as she walks away she sidles against his chair.
ELAINE
You always were the sick one.
KRAMER
How lovely is a tree…
EXT – NYC – RESTAURANT STEPS – EVENING
They are standing around as waiting for George who forgot something and then he comes back out.
ELAINE
I have to admit this was lovely. Newman I didn’t know that about you that you were a Merit Scholar and decided to chuck it all for your love of the USPS. Your dedication is admirable.
NEWMAN
Well Elaine I had to choose something that would pay it forward and the mail was my calling. I dreamed of becoming a postman ever since the day …Um let’s not go there…ever since the day I found a letter that my carrier dropped. I hand delivered it to my neighbor and it was apparently such good news that she gave me five dollars. I’ll never forget that day.
GEORGE
That’s quite a story. It explains a lot about you. We had you all wrong it seems.
SEINFELD
I would have been the last to admit it but yes your story was very touching.
Kramer is out at the curb thumbing for a ride.
SEINFELD
Kramer what are you doing? I have my car.
KRAMER
I am just practicing you never know when you need a ride.
Someone stops and Kramer is bending low talking to the driver who pulls off giving Kramer the finger.
NEWMAN
You know I just feel so good about tonight maybe we could go back to my place I wanted to show you something I’ve been working on. It would really mean a lot to me. It won’t take long. I have some beer, chips, scotch whatever. Please let me reciprocate.
GEORGE
It’s okay by me. Reciprocate all you want. I’m in.
ELAINE
That’s very nice Newman sure we can come for a while.
SEINFELD
To Newman’s then.
Newman smiles and then turns away. The scene of his domination of the group comes back to him and he staggers as he is going down the steps Kramer catches him.
KRAMER
Are you okay man?
NEWMAN
Fine. It must be the Cuggle.
Newman and Kramer walk away. George, Elaine and Seinfeld follow.
ELAINE
Did you just see that? He’s been doing that all night? Is he sleep walking?
SEINFELD
Yes I did notice. He is just mugging for us trying to freak us out.
GEORGE
Well it’s working. Maybe we shouldn’t go.
ELAINE
It’s too late now. We’ll just stay a few moments and beg off.
SEINFELD
Okay it’s a plan.
They walk off together as sinister music plays in the background.
——————
ACT THREE – NEWMAN’S REVENGE
INT – OUTSIDE NEWMAN’S APT. NYC – EVENING
Everyone is standing outside of the door as Newman opens the door and then turns to them.
NEWMAN
Please a moment I left some things laying around let me clean up just a bit be right back.
GEORGE
I can just imagine what is going on in there. I don’t know about this.
ELAINE
Come on. You’re the one who said to reciprocate.
SEINFELD
I hate that word it’s like everyone expects you to do something for them like making a deal.
GEORGE
Just to have a drink and then I’m out of there. I can’t believe we’re having drinks at Newman’s apartment. How the mighty have fallen.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT – BACK BEDROOM – NYC – EVENING
Newman is turning on all of his devices scrambling back and forth and finally through he opens the door.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NYC – EVENING
NEWMAN (ALA GLEASON)
Welcome to my humble abode. Please join me friends.
Kramer in back rushes forward and slides through the tripping falling and landing in the easy chair.
KRAMER
Ah my favorite chair. It’s very comfortable. Want to try.
GEORGE
That’s quite okay. I’ll just stand for a while. Nice pictures Newman!
NEWMAN
Yes my favorite mail carriers each month a different hero.
SEINFELD
I thought you stopped working there.
NEWMAN
Oh you never leave to postal service. It’s a lifetime commitment.
SEINFELD (ROLLING HIS EYES)
I see. Sounds like a religion.
NEWMAN
Oh but it is it is. Let me get you some drinks I have a tray here. Elaine? Where is she? Drinks.
ELAINE
I thought I would check out your kitchen. Very clean. Good for you Newman. Interesting. Didn’t know you were a nerd. What’s back here?
NEWMAN
Nothing to concern you.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARMENT KITCHEN – NYC – EVENING
Newman rushes to the kitchen squeezing past Elaine to shut the bedroom door. Elaine meanwhile returns to the living room.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – NYC – EVENING
NEWMAN (FROM THE KITCHEN)
Drinks are coming right up. What a treat. My special blend.
ELAINE (IN A WHISPER)
You should have seen. Computers. Test tubes. Wires and pipes.
SEINFELD
Test tubes? Now this is getting serious. What do you think he has cooking.
ELAINE
I don’t know but I flipped a few switches to see what was what. You know me I’m tactilely curious.
KRAMER
Tactilely curious? I like that.
ELAINE (HOLDING A SMALL BOOK)
I also took this.
SEINFELD
Interesting. You pushed these buttons?
ELAINE
Yes just those
SEINFELD
This changes everything.
Newman walks in carrying a drink tray each takes a drink. Newman very carefully sets aside a drink for himself.
SEINFELD
A toast then to Newman a greater friend hath no man.
ALL
To Newman!
They all raise their glasses and drink. Newman gets a glazed look in his eyes.
KRAMER
You know I missed my calling. I filled in one day and no one knew.
GEORGE
And how did that work out…
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – EVENING – MIST
NEWMAN (OC)
What have I done these are my friends and soon they will suffer a horrible fate. They were being kind to me. I really felt like we were bonding. Oh no I can’t stop it now either. I must go through with it.
SEINFELD (LOUDLY)
Newman!
NEWMAN
Feeling strange about now Seinfeld?
SEINFELD
Am I? Nope feel fine. How about you George?
GEORGE
Couldn’t be better.
Newman sways and is becoming rigid.
NEWMAN (TURNING TO ELAINE)
What did you do?
ELAINE
Oh nothing just flipped a few switches and turned a couple of buttons.
Newman gets a look of horror on his face and then stiffens completely.
SEINFELD
So you planned to do us in make us your slaves but now the tables are turned. What shall we do with him?
GEORGE
Make him walk off a bridge for all I care. I told you we should never have trusted him. What does the book say.
SEINFELD
It says here that the subject Newman will obey any and all commands completely for a period of eight hours and then have no memory of those eight hours.
KRAMER
We could send him out pimping. I have a hat he could wear.
ELAINE
You would.
GEORGE
Wait a minute I have an idea. You know that mail he brags about never delivering? What if we make him deliver it now in the middle of the night
SEINFELD
I like it. I like it.
KRAMER
Sounds like poetic justice to me. Let’s do it.
SEINFELD
Newman show us the undelivered mail.
Newman walks over zombie like to a closet where five postal bags are filled with mail.
ELAINE
Can I try to command him?
SEINFELD
Sure happy commanding.
ELAINE
Take all of this mail and deliver it to the last letter to their rightful owners and finish before the night is through. Hurry you have no time to waste.
Newman grabs the five bags of mail struggles to leave the door and then is gone.
GEORGE
He’ll have no memory of this right?
SEINFELD
That’s what it says
GEORGE
Good enough for me. I’m out of here.
SEINFELD
Meet me tomorrow for breakfast
KRAMER
Breakfast it is.
They exit Newman’s apartment.
ACT FOUR – NEWMAN’S REVENGE
INT – LUNCHEONETTE – NYC – MORNING
Elaine, George, Kramer and Seinfeld are sitting at the table. Mail is littered covering their table. As we look around a similar scene is taking place at the other tables with people bewilderingly opening letters some as long as five years ago.
GEORGE
Look at this season tickets for 2006. Remember I was all mad at Steinbrenner for not giving me tickets. He kept razzing me all the time about not showing up and throwing good money after bad.
KRAMER
I won the Publisher’s Clearing House in 2005. I’m rich but where’s my money?
ELAINE
Love letters from Puddy. I thought he didn’t care was too self involved.
SEINFELD
I had a movie offer from Steven Spielberg from 2004 for a spin off of ET’s club dates.
ELAINE
Here he comes.
Newman walks in head low hiding his face.
SEINFELD
Newman!
NEWMAN
Seinfeld! I sense your evil hand in all of this. The last thing I remember were having dinner and then this morning I woke up and all my mail is gone. I walk around and everyone is reading piles of mail all around me. If anyone were to find out…
GEORGE
Don’t worry Newman we’re your friends. How could you do this to people? Look at them they are crying pulling their hair. It’s terrible. Although I could really do without these invitations that I never received.
ELAINE
You get the good with the bad. Think of it this way Newman. You can’t mess with the mail.
SEINFELD
The mail always goes through no matter what. It’s a miracle.
NEWMAN
I don’t know about a miracle but I’ll be watching you Seinfeld.
SEINFELD
Go right ahead watch away.
Newman starts to leave and just then Kramer jumps up.
KRAMER
It’s him. He did it. He delivered your mail late to you.
People in the luncheonette turn around as Newman tries to hurry out the exit but there is an old man with a cane twirling it in the way.
PATRON ONE
I remember him he used to be our mailman.
PATRON TWO
Yes he was never on time. I always thought there was something funny about him.
PATRON THREE
Let’s get him.
Newman breaks past the old man and the entire luncheonette including waitresses and cooks chase him down the street while Seinfeld and Company remain seated.
SEINFELD
It’s too bad really but it had to happen.
GEORGE (SHAKES HIS HEAD)
Had to happen.
ELAINE
Well you know Kramer you could have gone easier on him.
KRAMER
Hey I could have been rich. Tough love is what that boy needs.
SEINFELD
Tough love indeed
ELAINE
There is nothing we could do. Well what now?
GEORGE
Our orders are waiting over there. Let’s eat.
SEINFELD
That’s always a good idea.
The END
Mark Siet
Newman’s Revenge Act’s Three and Four
ACT THREE – NEWMAN’S REVENGE
INT – OUTSIDE NEWMAN’S APT. NYC – EVENING
Everyone is standing outside of the door as Newman opens the door and then turns to them.
NEWMAN
Please a moment I left some things laying around let me clean up just a bit be right back.
GEORGE
I can just imagine what is going on in there. I don’t know about this.
ELAINE
Come on. You’re the one who said to reciprocate.
SEINFELD
I hate that word it’s like everyone expects you to do something for them like making a deal.
GEORGE
Just to have a drink and then I’m out of there. I can’t believe we’re having
drinks at Newman’s apartment. How the mighty have fallen.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT – BACK BEDROOM – NYC – EVENING
Newman is turning on all of his devices scrambling back and forth and finally through he opens the door.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NYC – EVENING
NEWMAN (ALA GLEASON)
Welcome to my humble abode. Please join me friends.
Kramer in back rushes forward and slides through the tripping falling and landing in the easy chair.
KRAMER
Ah my favorite chair. It’s very comfortable. Want to try.
GEORGE
That’s quite okay. I’ll just stand for a while. Nice pictures Newman!
NEWMAN
Yes my favorite mail carriers each month a different hero.
SEINFELD
I thought you stopped working there.
NEWMAN
Oh you never leave to postal service. It’s a lifetime commitment.
SEINFELD (ROLLING HIS EYES)
I see. Sounds like a religion.
NEWMAN
Oh but it is it is. Let me get you some drinks I have a tray here. Elaine? Where is she? Drinks.
ELAINE
I thought I would check out your kitchen. Very clean. Good for you Newman. Interesting. Didn’t know you were a nerd. What’s back here?
NEWMAN
Nothing to concern you.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARMENT KITCHEN – NYC – EVENING
Newman rushes to the kitchen squeezing past Elaine to shut the bedroom door. Elaine meanwhile returns to the living room.
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – NYC – EVENING
NEWMAN (FROM THE KITCHEN)
Drinks are coming right up. What a treat. My special blend.
ELAINE (IN A WHISPER)
You should have seen. Computers. Test tubes. Wires and pipes.
SEINFELD
Test tubes? Now this is getting serious. What do you think he has cooking.
ELAINE
I don’t know but I flipped a few switches to see what was what. You know me I’m tactilely curious.
KRAMER
Tactilely curious? I like that.
ELAINE (HOLDING A SMALL BOOK)
I also took this.
SEINFELD
Interesting. You pushed these buttons?
ELAINE
Yes just those
SEINFELD
This changes everything.
Newman walks in carrying a drink tray each takes a drink. Newman very carefully sets aside a drink for himself.
SEINFELD
A toast then to Newman a greater friend hath no man.
ALL
To Newman!
They all raise their glasses and drink. Newman gets a glazed look in his eyes.
KRAMER
You know I missed my calling. I filled in one day and no one knew.
GEORGE
And how did that work out…
INT – NEWMAN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – EVENING – MIST
NEWMAN (OC)
What have I done these are my friends and soon they will suffer a horrible fate. They were being kind to me. I really felt like we were bonding. Oh no I can’t stop it now either. I must go through with it.
SEINFELD (LOUDLY)
Newman!
NEWMAN
Feeling strange about now Seinfeld?
SEINFELD
Am I? Nope feel fine. How about you George?
GEORGE
Couldn’t be better.
Newman sways and is becoming rigid.
NEWMAN (TURNING TO ELAINE)
What did you do?
ELAINE
Oh nothing just flipped a few switches and turned a couple of buttons.
Newman gets a look of horror on his face and then stiffens completely.
SEINFELD.
So you planned to do us in make us your slaves but now the tables are turned. What shall we do with him?
GEORGE
Make him walk off a bridge for all I care. I told you we should never have trusted him. What does the book say.
SEINFELD
It says here that the subject Newman will obey any and all commands completely for a period of eight hours and then have no memory of those eight hours.
KRAMER
We could send him out pimping. I have a hat he could wear.
ELAINE
You would.
GEORGE
Wait a minute I have an idea. You know that mail he brags about never delivering? What if we make him deliver it now in the middle of the night>
SEINFELD
I like it. I like it.
KRAMER
Sounds like poetic justice to me. Let’s do it.
SEINFELD
Newman show us the undelivered mail.
Newman walks over zombie like to a closet where five postal bags are filled with mail.
ELAINE
Can I try to command him?
SEINFELD
Sure happy commanding.
ELAINE
Take all of this mail and deliver it to the last letter to their rightful owners and finish before the night is through. Hurry you have no time to waste.
Newman grabs the five bags of mail struggles to leave the door and then is gone.
GEORGE
He’ll have no memory of this right?
SEINFELD
That’s what it says
GEORGE
Good enough for me. I’m out of here.
SEINFELD
Meet me tomorrow for breakfast
KRAMER
Breakfast it is.
They exit Newman’s apartment.
ACT FOUR – NEWMAN’S REVENGE
INT – LUNCHEONETTE – NYC – MORNING
Elaine, George, Kramer and Seinfeld are sitting at the table. Mail is littered covering their table. As we look around a similar scene is taking place at the other tables with people bewilderingly opening letters some as long as five years ago.
GEORGE
Look at this season tickets for 2006. Remember I was all mad at Steinbrenner for not giving me tickets. He kept razzing me all the time about not showing up and throwing good money after bad.
KRAMER
I won the Publisher’s Clearing House in 2005. I’m rich but where’s my money?
ELAINE
Love letters from Puddy. I thought he didn’t care was too self involved.
SEINFELD
I had a movie offer from Steven Spielberg from 2004 for a spin off of ET’s club dates.
ELAINE
Here he comes.
Newman walks in head low hiding his face.
SEINFELD
Newman!
NEWMAN
Seinfeld! I sense your evil hand in all of this. The last thing I remember were having dinner and then this morning I woke up and all my mail is gone. I walk around and everyone is reading piles of mail all around me. If anyone were to find out…
GEORGE
Don’t worry Newman we’re your friends. How could you do this to people? Look at them they are crying pulling their hair. It’s terrible. Although I could really do without these invitations that I never received.
ELAINE
You get the good with the bad. Think of it this way Newman.
You can’t mess with the mail.
SEINFELD
The mail always goes through no matter what. It’s a miracle.
NEWMAN
I don’t know about a miracle but I’ll be watching you Seinfeld.
SEINFELD
Go right ahead watch away.
Newman starts to leave and just then Kramer jumps up.
KRAMER
It’s him. He did it. He delivered your mail late to you.
People in the luncheonette turn around as Newman tries to hurry out the exit but there is an old man with a cane twirling it in the way.
PATRON ONE
I remember him he used to be our mailman.
PATRON TWO
Yes he was never on time. I always thought there was something funny about him.
PATRON THREE
Let’s get him.
Newman breaks past the old man and the entire luncheonette including waitresses and cooks chase him down the street while Seinfeld and Company remain seated.
SEINFELD
It’s too bad really but it had to happen.
GEORGE (SHAKES HIS HEAD)
Had to happen.
ELAINE
Well you know Kramer you could have gone easier on him.
KRAMER
Hey I could have been rich. Tough love is what that boy needs.
SEINFELD
Tough love indeed
ELAINE
There is nothing we could do. Well what now?
GEORGE
Our orders are waiting over there. Let’s eat.
SEINFELD
That’s always a good idea.
The END